I'm tired... Full. Satisfied. The whoosh and hum of the frantic holiday noises has died down to a dull whisper. It's over... but in other ways- it has just begun.

I celebrate the Twelve Days of Christmas... or Yule. The Twelve Days of Light. Long ago, our ancestors delegated little celebrations and reminders to each day and made joy as best as they could in the cold, dark bleakness of the winter. They rose and saluted the sun, made thanks for all they had been given and embraced each other. It was... beautiful.

Now, life is hectic. There is so much to do- to be... I find myself caught in the whirl and current of this all- and I find myself fighting against it. I have tried- each of these days- to remember the celebration within. Even if it was a simple moment of glancing up at the stars and feeling so loved... That was all that I needed. And I was given it.

Christmas was beautiful. Actually... it was the best Christmas I can ever remember. And that's something. I was just... so grateful for all I had been given.

But it's not over. This Festival of Light continues- and shall... right until Twelfth Night. And how do I celebrate it?

Little moments. Being thankful. Paying it forward. Smiling. Dreaming. Loving. Laughing.

Strike one match in the dark- all the world's not the same.

I have the most beautiful girlfriend that the Divine could ever possibly create. She is wondrous. She has magic within and without of her... she is truly perfect. And this was our first- real- Christmas together. Good heavens... I'm so grateful.

I have the best little sister that I could ever have been given. She's thoughtful and sweet- too kind... too good. She cares too much for others- and she thinks too much about us- for us. I can't believe I've been that blessed to have her.

My family is fantastic- my extended family is wonderful... Jenn's family has accepted me as their own.

I look around me... at everything that has happened. I look ahead to the coming year.

I want for nothing. I am full. I am satisfied. I am loved. I am comforted. I am embraced by everything beautiful and whole...

I am home.

The Earth will be going on a long time
Before it finally freezes;
Men will be on it; they will take names,
Give their deeds reasons.
We will be here only
As chemical constituents-
A small franchise indeed.
Right now we have lives,
Corpuscles, Ambitions, Caresses,
Like everybody had once-

Here at the year's end, at the feast
Of birth, let us bring to each other
The gifts brought once west through deserts-
The precious metal of our mingled hair,
The frankincense of enraptured arms and legs,
The myrrh of desperate, invincible kisses-
Let us celebrate the daily
Recurrent nativity of love,
The endless epiphany of our fluent selves,
While the earth rolls away under us
Into unknown snows and summers,
Into untraveled spaces of the stars.

~ Kenneth Rexroth

I'm a little better- but no less insulted- regarding yesterday's entry. Anyway- it's the Winter Solstice. I can let it go~

I've been thinking about the holidays- and what they mean to me... Odd little sentence. It sounds like it would start a third grader's essay...

I remember when I was little, Christmas was such a different time. Sleigh rides in the snow and castles made of the stuff- I buried myself in the winter landscape, played with our animals and generally existed out of doors. Gentle snowflakes falling is still one of my favorite things about the holidays. I wish that I still had my snowsuits... I still have my childhood imagination, so warm mittens and swishy-swishy pants are the only thing I need!

I remember the sound of snow pants. I hated it! If I wanted to go out into the woods and find deer and generally commune with nature, I had the barrier of swishiness to overcome. No fox, bird or mammal in general is going to NOT notice a pudgy little girl in copious amounts of polyester and stuffing. I was so bundled, I thought I'd die.

I was always so cold and so tired and so soaking when I finally came in at night. My sister was right behind me throughout the day- helping me envision the castle that became a fort... that finally became a drift after all of our playing. We rolled snow men and rode our ponies while our laughter could be heard throughout the valley.

Now, at Christmas... things are different. I no longer play in the snow or worry about what Santa might bring me... I am consumed by the eternal hope that I may give some gift of joy to those I love. I plan- I work very hard... and then I create. I hand-made most every present this year. Even though the stress of completing everything weighed heavily on my mind... it was a different kind of stress. I no longer worried about sales and malls. I worried about the amount of love and dedication being put into each object. I worried about showing the person exactly how much I loved them.

Isn't that silly? I sometimes don't think about being silly. I worry if the person knows how much I care- and assume that Christmas is the only time I can show them. That's not true. And I'm beginning to understand that. I try my hardest to show people love and compassion... and I do this every day of the year. I used to assume this wasn't enough... I was wrong.

Good will towards men. This holiday season, I have not seen much of it. I've looked for it! The random acts of kindness that fill me. Instead, I have seen hate, unhappiness, fear and dread. What strange bedfellows for this time of year!

I won't dwell on it. But I have noticed it.

The holidays mean something different to each of us. Do you know what the holidays mean to me?

The simple joy of making a snow angel is far more precious than the sale at the mall. The act of creating a gift is far more precious than purchasing one. The act of simple kindness is FAR MORE PRECIOUS than the unkind moments we all allow ourselves to have, now and again.

It's the holidays. There will, naturally, be stress. But, thousands of years ago, people gathered on this day and acknowledged the extent of the darkness- both from within and without. They realized that it existed, they called it what it was and turned their backs on it. They lit fires and candles and joys and sang and celebrated- calling out to the light to come back to them.

And it did.

The Return of the Light. The Winter Solstice.

No one ever knows the extent of their actions and words. Be kind. Be good. Be light.

Happy Holidays, my friends.

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and, oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

~Edna Saint Vincent Millay

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable."
-- Christopher Reeve

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright.
Starlight gleams upon the snow.
In our hands the candles glow,
As we sing of peace.
As we sing of peace.

Silent night, holy night,
We will share love's pure light.
Radiant beams from every face
Tell our dreams for every place.
Hope again is born,
Hope again is born.

~words adapted by Karen Deal Robinson

So the "Hanging of the Greens" ensued at our apartment last night. Actually- it ensued after our child in fur and whiskers- Emily Dickinson- decided it might be a good idea to commit suicide. She leapt down the basement stairs howling that catnip made her do it. She has never had catnip. We simply believe that it is in her nature to be inventively insane twenty-four hours a day. She's perfectly fine... just disgruntled that we didn't allow her to roam the basement unaccompanied.

We found out that we had stockings... but mine is big enough to fit dinosaur fossils in... and Jenn's wouldn't match mine anyway. ;p So we went Christmas shopping for more decorations and stockings... and totally forgot the stockings.

We learned that the Dollar Tree does not believe in tinsel- and that Dollar General does not believe in wreaths... but they believed in enough things to wrap up our apartment with more glitter than anyone could possibly need. :D

So our tree looks splendiferous. It is a mish-mosh of fairies, Disney ornaments, glass birds and Martha Stewart. Our front window has snowflakes and lights sprawled over the frigid glass- which looks MUCH COOLER than any of our neighbors'. Our smaller trees- one in each room (Save for the bathroom. We're not that weird.) is decorated accordingly. ;-; Everything is so shiiiiiny... and spaaaaarkely...

The cats, of course, agree. We have rescued our precocious children from the limbs countlesss times already, before we banished them to the library- and then the bedroom.

Emily is like all "wow" about everything. She likes tinsel! And she likes ornaments! And ohmygodmommyandmummyilovethetreethankyouverymuchfordecoratingitforme.

Happy Yule. :D